Friday, 29 June 2007

Have You Ever Felt This Way?

"Have You Ever Felt This Way?"

You might have thought that I'm in love...right?
But actually it's not. I have been trying to ignore this feeling because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought they were treating me like this
"just because." But now I can't seem to stand it anymore. I feel too "INVISIBLE." They often ignore me and I just couldn't get it why they were ignoring me. I feel too "ALONE." And it was starting to suffocate me. Being alone was one thing I feared most.

When they ignore me I think to myself that they ignored me because my voice was too low or simply because I wasn't heard. Or they were mad at me for something I did wrong. Every time they look at me like I did something really wrong I start to get guilty and blame myself for doing bad things(that I don't really know if I did). Every time I smile and they don't smile back I get too nervous. When I call their name
out loud and they still ignore me, I feel like crying. When I try to make them laugh and they don't laugh I get really sad. Sometimes when all these things happen in ONE WHOLE DAY, I cry secretly. When I fail doing something for a friend I get really angry at myself. But one classmate of mine told me after he had noticed that I was killing myself already, that I was torturing myself. He told me, "Darl, sometimes you need to think about yourself too. If they let you eat
poop will you also eat it?" Actually he had a point but what could I do? Shout at them? Tell them how tired I was already? That would shock them and I couldn't stand hurting anyone. I just couldn't. Maybe you'll tell me that I'm unfair esp. when you know how I treat my brother and sister. Actually I think of myself as someone really mean. I can hurt my siblings but I couldn't even shout or couldn't even look at my friends meanly. I'm just too mean.

And it was really unfair in the part of my siblings. TOO UNFAIR... I feel too disgusted of myself...well...maybe I'm already exaggerating this one. I'm already not used to people ignoring me. Before
I was just a "NOBODY." But when people started to know me. When they started to talk to me and became my friends and run to me in times of needs I thought that will never end. I thought I would survive being a best friend to everybody. I thought I wouldn't be alone. But everything I thought of was all wrong. Every time we would divide groups and pick the group mates we want to be with I always feel
"Left Out." They had their own groups. Sam's group, Boy's group & Lj-Ej group, and where could I possibly belong. I realized that I was fooling myself in thinking that I can be the best friend of everybody.

I just couldn't tell them how I feel. They might think I'm too emotional. That I cry over small things. I just couldn't bring myself to take a risk and tell them that I hated it when they make
me do something esp. when they want it A.S.A.P. I love them too much. I'm too paranoid with what they might think about me. My sister would always tell me,"Unsa man ka? Ngano man nimo ginahimo tanan ginaingon sa imong mga classmate?"["What's wrong with you? Why do you always follow all the things your friends ask of you?"] Eve
rytime my sister sees me doing something like a card or gift and sleep only when I finish it, she would always tell me, "Sows...Para na sad na sa mga classmate nimo noh?"[Sows...That's for your classmates again right?"]

Sometimes I hate myself for doing things they make me do. But I just couldn't make myself to rufuse when they make me do something. I would always tell them that I was ok. I also didn't want them to bother about me. They've got a lot of things to think ab
out aside from me. I wouldn't want them to worry about me. Am I too martyr? wahehe. I couldn't help but just laugh and at the same time cry about this very complicated and hard situation that I have. But I don't always hate myself for doing the things they want me to do. Sometimes I even get happy when they call my name and tell me to bring this and that. I'm often ok with them telling me
to do this.

Actually I'm too
"Confused!!" lol. I think I'm just blabbering about things. I don't even know what I really feel about some things anymore.

Hmmm..I think that's the end of it...If I feel bad again I might add something to this post...

"In this world I need to be shown
I’ve got no place to call my own
I’m all by myself
No one can help
I’m dead inside
No place to hide

In this world I need a friend
I’ve got no one on which to depend
I need some help
My silent yelp
It can’t be heard
It’s just one word"

BY: BladeOfWilte

No comments: